I’ve spent so much time thinking about the holidays that I forgot about moving into a new year. It hit me yesterday and I wasn’t expecting it. Lots of that these days.
This will be the first years since I was 16 that I haven’t entered a new year with Ken.
I know that it’s just an arbitrary date really. Our culture places a lot of emphasis on the “new” part of it. New habits, new experiences, new goals. We celebrate the putting of the past behind us and starting with a clean slate, so to speak.
I am dreading the start of the new year. Everything I had thought the new years ahead of us have changed. There isn’t much I enjoyed doing without Ken with me, with the exception of running errands. I liked having him with me it just seemed like a duplication of effort and money spent ☺.
I’ve felt some comfort in still being in 2013. Ken started this year with me and we shared over half of it. Going into 2014 I feel like I am truly leaving Ken behind. He was with me this year. Next year – it’s all on my own and I hate the idea of it.
In many ways, 2013 was a fabulous year. We had some unexpected travel that was great fun for both of us. I am grateful for those memories of 2013. But 2013 was also the absolute worst year of my life as well. Ken’s death has left me without my earthly anchor. I still cannot imagine life without Ken. These last few months have been spent in a state of disbelief and I’m not sure that will ever change. I’m not sure I want it to change. I think reality is overrated ☺.
I’m trying to face each day with a smile and that choice of a good attitude. It helps.
I just don’t want to leave Ken behind. I don’t know how else to explain it.
lindaville 