Five years –

I’m not one to dwell on sad anniversaries – I look at them more as days to remember – the good and the sad, I guess. Also, each day of the week has it’s own “look” to me. Saturday looks different than Tuesday. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone, but it’s how I picture and organize my days and weeks. So, I’m more apt to remember the day of the week of an event, than the actual date. The days of the week have a feeling to me. So even though something may have happened on June 26 and it falls on a Tuesday – the memory is a Wednesday.

And so, here it is, Wednesday the 27th of June – one day after the date of June 26. It was the day that changed my life forever – or marked the march toward the day that would change my life forever.

On Wednesday, June 26, 2013, Ken took a day off from work. He seemed to be feeling fine but just decided to get some work done on the bathroom remodel he was working on. He’d been out in the garage most of the day and at 4:30 I decided to stop what I was doing at the computer and go see what he was up to and give him a hug.

I remember as if it was today, getting up – walking to the door to the garage, opening it and standing there and seeing him working. He looked up and came over to me. I got my hug and a kiss but has he stepped back I noticed he was jaundiced. And from there the next couple of weeks flew by in an instant and he was gone from my life forever.

I don’t say all of this to bring up sadness – although as I write this tears come to my eyes – but to note that there are moments in our life where no matter what we are doing, we can feel what we felt, remember the hours as if they were happening all over again.

Five years seems like a long time. A lot has happened in those five years. I’ve had health changes (I said that Ken’s death broke my heart – and I think it did – literally) and life changes. I have a one year old grandson whom I adore and cannot get enough of. He reminds me of Ken is so many ways but is so much his own happy little self too. It’s strange to sit across from him and see so much family in him. I could stare at him forever.

When I realized for certain that Ken was not going to be a part of my life I knew I had to find a way to be content. Over the years, as I’ve walked with Jesus, I’ve learned to be content. Oh, I wrestle with the facts of life and relationships sometimes but eventually (and hopefully quickly) turn it over to God to handle – He does a much better job of it than do I!!!

I still expect Ken to be in the garage when I open that door to get in the car (the car fits in the garage now!) and I can still see his smile and almost feel the hug as I stand in that doorway.

I hope I can always remember that Wednesday in June memory – it tugs at my heart but it makes me smile too – grateful for all that God has done for me as He’s walked with and carried me through these years.

Another Year….

As I’ve visited with friends and family in the last week or so each has commented on how they can’t believe it’s been five holiday seasons without Ken. Not a focus – just an observation. This has been an amazing year.

It started with the anticipation of the birth of a grandson – and born he was! It was a joyous time for this grandma and his Uncle Adam. We cannot get enough of him and only wish he lived closer so we could be a part of his life more often. But don’t all grandparents and Uncles wish that! I’m grateful that it’s not a 6 hour flight to get there.

I also discovered I had congestive heart failure and now, because of the discovery, I feel so much better than I have in years. Thank You, God for this blessing.

And the year has come to an end with Adam finding that he starts a new job in a few days. He is beyond happy and grateful. No more delivering refrigerators up icy steps in the dark or at 106 degrees F. No more 16 hour days. As his mom – I am very grateful!

There were lots of other blessings that God put in my life every day – God sightings, if you will. Friends, hugs, phone calls, flowers growing, green lights all the way down SW 185th for miles 🙂 – all of it. I am grateful.

And now on to another year of gratitude.

The Fifth

I don’t know why it gets tougher to add to the blog as the days go by – but it does. I cannot believe this is the fifth Christmas we will be celebrating without Ken. Five holiday seasons. I know the time goes by fast but I just cannot believe it.

I am so grateful for everything I’ve learned in the years without Ken – but I’d so much have preferred to learn them with him here. Everything is that way. I realized when my grandson was born in May that everything in my life was bittersweet. I had lost the joy in my life. It’s not that I don’t feel happy – but everything that would have put me over the moon with happiness is tempered with the fact that Ken isn’t here to celebrate it with me and so I don’t jump for joy much – as if I could jump! All the big stuff and most of the not so big stuff is still – I wish Ken could see this.

And this year – I so wish Ken could see this – his first grandson. Kaleb kinda looks like him, if you ask me – but I’m completely biased in this so not to be trusted. I know this Christmas is more about the parents than the child since he has not much of a clue of what Christmas is – so it will be fun to watch them experience his first Christmas through their eyes. I remember doing that with Scott and with Adam.

It is a strange season of life – I miss the entertaining – and I don’t. I miss the hustle and bustle – and I don’t. I miss the cooking – and I don’t. Part of me wishes I was planning the meals for the weekend and part of me is so glad I don’t have to do it. I look back and cannot fathom how I did all that I did – but my legs were younger and my heart wasn’t broken – literally and figuratively :).

Well this has turned into a ramble. I had my thoughts organized in my head at the same time I was in front of my computer (I think of things to write that are absolutely filled with humor and wisdom and the next day when I get to the computer I forget what I wanted to write about – so it probably wasn’t so funny or wise!) but they aren’t coming out the end of my fingers today.

So I’ll leave you with – I pray you have a very blessed Christmas – filled with Jesus and all that reflects His love for us.

God bless – and with love,
Linda

Communication

I’ve been thinking a lot about communication – you know – how some people like it and some don’t. Some do, some won’t. And all the relationship havoc that can be wreaked when one will, one won’t – That kind of thing.

But then I got to thinking about Ken – but what doesn’t get me thinking about Ken?

I would get so frustrated when he didn’t “hear” me. You know – the word hear. That word that means so much more than just the intake through the ears.

But then I got to chuckling. How patient am I with Siri. Things must be phrased exactly right for her to understand. We can go round and round and she never loses patience with me because I’m not “saying” it correctly. She wants it said one way and if I don’t get it out right – it doesn’t make it to the cloud. Same with the GPS – never gets upset and yells – you stupid lady – didn’t you hear me when I said turn left! It just recalculates and tries again, patiently.

If only I’d listened and spoken with the same consideration. Ken needed to hear things in a certain way for him to get it. My blah blah blah meant nothing if not phrased in a way his listening style would compute. And the same for me. It, of course, was not one sided.

I still don’t know how he could not hear me when I was standing in front of him but I could whisper “coconut pie” in the kitchen and he’d say “really?”

Still cracks me up.

Flat Tires

This morning, as I pulled out of the driveway, I realized I had a flat tire. Doctor appointment cancelled. Day plans cancelled. But then I got to thinking – what was it God was protecting me from with this flat tire? I’ve learned to look at things that way. I don’t believe in coincidences. Everything has a purpose. Most of the time we never know. Given the amount of rain we had today He probably protected me from some crazy driver who couldn’t gauge the depth of the water on the roadway!

I am so not ready for winter. My winter shoes and rain boots are still in the back of my closet. My closet still looks like a bomb went off. I seem to keep finding things that are much more fun to do than clean out my closet. But soon I won’t be able to close the door so I’d best get on that if for no other reason than to find my rain shoes!

And it’s getting cold here. Windy and cold. I’m still a California girl at heart. Dreaming of warm sand and surf.

Don’t get me wrong – Oregon is beautiful and it’s fun to have seasons. But Fall should be one week. Winter another and a warm spring about 6 months and a nice summer 4 months.

But I’m not in charge.

Finding Longtime Friends

I am writing this with the biggest smile on my face right now. When I was growing up my best friend was Patty. She and I did so much together. She lived a few doors up the street and we shared so much. Eventually we grew up and even double dated – she and her boyfriend and me and Ken. Such great memories.

Well, during my Freshman year in college my parents moved about 60 miles south to Tustin from Woodland Hills. Might as well have been a continent away. As things go, Patty and I lost touch. I tried finding her over the years. I googled and all that but to no avail.

Well, this morning – just by accident I clicked on a “link” on my Facebook page and there was a note from her – one from April and then another one. I cannot believe it. I am so excited to find her (she found me!). I’ve responded to her message and am now jumping up and down (well, not so much) like the lady in the old Mervyn’s ad – “open, open, open”.

Again – it’s bittersweet. Wish Ken was here to share this. He loved Patty too and would be so happy for me. I’m happy for me :).

Friends are a treasure. And I’ve found a buried treasure and cannot wait to find out more.

Just when we thought Facebook was awful :).

I haven’t written for the blog in over a year – last entry was actually August 7, 2016. I stopped mostly because it seemed to be very self-centered and I recognize that what I’m up to is not really that important. And, as much as I like me – why would anyone want to read what I write.

I realized that mostly I wrote as a release and a journal of sorts. Because of negative feedback I received from a family member I had so edited what I wrote that it no longer was fun nor really reflected my thoughts. This person never read my blog but had heard from another family member something I wrote and it caused some difficulty because of misinterpretation. I’m having to practice what I’ve “preached” to others – as long as we aren’t trying to hurt someone, we aren’t responsible for how they react to something we’ve said or done. Good intentions are often misinterpreted.

But that’s the risk of writing and exposing one’s feelings – how others take it. It’s a reason I never entered politics – although I do stand on that old proverbial soapbox a lot. But I never wanted to embarrass my family by things I said. I was especially sensitive to Ken and his feelings. He would never have complained but, well, you know. The boys have long since reached the age where they were past the point where the mere breathing of their parents, in their presence, would cause profound embarrassment.

It’s been four years since Ken’s death and this is the fifth holiday season without him. Lots has changed. House challenges. Health challenges. Family challenges. All of them opportunities to learn and move forward. We all face them.

I’m getting ready to head out for day two of leaf removal. I resurrected the leaf vac/mulcher – only to find that a critter had eaten a hole in the collection bag. So, I purchased a device from the company that has a cloth that fits snugly – ha – over a trash can and has an 8 foot hose that comes out of the top and then attaches to the mulcher. Yesterday I decided to get started. Adam had moved a trash can and the new purchase to the back yard for me. I got it all hooked up and got started. I thought I should check on the progress and turned around to find the cloth had come lose and everything I was mulching was just blowing out the top of the trash can.

Cracked me up.

Got restarted – and then tripped the GFI – an old problem I’d forgotten about. Reconnected to another outlet and did about 10 square feet before calling it a day. I’ve reached the age where stamina is a bit of an issue and then not wanting to overuse the old “bad” shoulders and back.

So, as we enter into this holiday time we call a season – I’m going to write more often.

One more thing – I went to the Feed Store on Friday to get some dog food. They have a coupon program that requires I give my name so they can give me credit. When I told the young girl my name she looked up and said “Linda Kline” – was Ken Kline your husband. I said yes. She went on to tell me how wonderful a teacher Ken was – she’d had him in Auto Shop at Aloha High School. She said he was everyone’s favorite teacher. She said that one day Adam had come in driving the Gold Suburban and that it startled her because she expected “Mr. Kline” to walk in the door.

I still love hearing those stories. He touched so many kids lives.

The stories renew my tears but warm my heart.

Four Years

It’s been four years. Long years. Short years. Years that passed in a blink. Years that were tearfully long.

But, time passes. I remember all the words of encouragement at the beginning of this journey. And, yes it does.

Over the years I watched how people handled this journey, praying I’d never have to experience it. But death is part of life. Whether it’s our parents, siblings, friends or spouses. Prayerfully it is never our children or grandchildren.

Probably my first cognizant memory of death is that of my paternal grandfather. He died when I was a toddler. I remember being in Newton, IA. The stairs up to my grandfather’s apartment (a floor shared with my two aunts and their husbands) seemed gigantic. And seeing those stairs again when I was 15 didn’t change the feeling. My legs were longer but my memory fresh. I was left behind with a caregiver while my family gathered together to mourn the loss of a man who had deserted them when they were young. I had no knowledge of this at the time but I do remember the wondering of why I wasn’t with everyone.

Then, my father’s sister died. I was about 11. I remember my dad sitting on the fold down stool at the counter in the kitchen, hanging up the phone and breaking down in tears. The only time I saw my father cry. He went to the funeral in Newton alone.

Shortly after Ken and I were married my mother’s parent’s died. I was told I didn’t need to come home. So I didn’t.

Then, my mother died shortly after that. I had no idea how to feel other than I missed my mother so much. But my father acted as if not much had happened. He never really talked about her after she died and he met someone just two months after her death and was remarried six months later. I know he must’ve been lonely and missed her. She died at a time when they were just making plans for the “rest of their lives” and way too young to be left without the love of their life.

That wife died on their second anniversary. She’d had health issues that she hadn’t told my dad about and died on a trip back to Oregon from visiting in California. He had returned to Sherman Oaks for her burial and I remember him sitting at the counter of Ken’s parent’s kitchen, taking his wedding ring off and saying “well, another chapter closed” and never talking about her again. He was dating the next wife in a month and married in 6 months. He didn’t like being alone.

I never really grieved the death of my mother. I had no experience or role models on how to handle it. And I remember thinking that once someone dies you don’t talk about them again. That caused problems for me and I finally saw a therapist for bulimia and realized what I’d been doing to myself – trying to stuff the feelings down. I remember her asking about my mom and my reply was – what’s to say, she’s dead. She asked me to think of one thing about my childhood and that opened a flood of emotions. From that point, I stopped holding back feelings. I realized that dealing with them, whether privately or with friends and family or someone I paid to talk with was important.

Losing a spouse is really very different. Duh, right? I’d thought about what I would do if something happened to Ken – many times and knew I could handle “things”. I never addressed the utter loneliness – the end of the dreams – the tears that come from so deep it seems like they will never stop.

My only role model on losing a spouse was Ken’s mom. I know she was lonely but never realized how much. And then for her to lose her son – and yet her concern was for me. We talked about it a lot after Ken died. But then I had to watch this woman as she dealt with the death of her first child and pray that I never have to call on those lessons.

There’s a lot to observe. I’ve felt sorry for myself about having to do things alone and then realize that there are thousands of adults out there doing things alone. My first ER visit and hospitalization without Ken was gut wrenching and scary. But God provided a friend to come and sit with me because Adam had to work (and I wouldn’t let him take the day off).

That’s just one example of God’s provision for me. Today, as the fourth year was marked I’ve had hugs from Adam, heard from friends who still think of me and still care.

So, just when I want to have a pity party I am reminded of how blessed I’ve been these last four years. I have great memories. Great friends, some special family members.

I guess the biggest blessing and tear producer in my life these last few months has been the birth of a grandson. He looks like both of my sons who look like their father. It’s been a weird time. Equal joy and sadness. I guess that’s the definition of bittersweet. He’s a darling boy. Sweet as can be. As I was holding him for the first time I remembered my boys as newborns and the joy Ken and I felt. I knew that if he were still alive we’d be “It’s my turn to hold him” every visit.

So, yes, time passes. Lots of change. Life is blessed. And I’m still grateful for everything.

This has felt like a ramble of thoughts. That’s how today was. I thought it would be just like any other day missing Ken. It is – just more.

Cutting the Cord

I have been talking about cutting the satellite cord for awhile now – for some reason I kept talking about it but procrastinated. For awhile I kept Dish because I could get Fox News. I was going to wait until after the debates. Then, the next season of Major Crimes started.

I had stopped watching Fox News about 8 months ago. Couldn’t take it. News, now, is just gossip and hype. Life is much sweeter without all the – well – junk. I decided that since the only two “cable” shows I cared about were Major Crimes and Fixer Upper – both could be purchased on iTunes for way less than a month of satellite. To be fair, I did call Dish about a year ago, when I was first going to cut the cord, and they lowered my bill by about half – until December. When I called this time – they were willing to go to $8.00 a month! But, I held fast and said no.

And so, the research that I had done a year ago paid off. I contacted Winegard – they manufacture great HD antennas. They were helpful and suggested an outdoor antenna for me based on my address. It was only $38 I think. I wanted outdoor so that I didn’t have to have something hanging on my wall – and reception is better. I thought I could use the coaxial cable hooked to the Dish for the HD Antenna. But, the Dish coaxial cable is permanently attached to the satellite dish. But, new cable was purchased and run through the holes already made by Ken.

Next step – I love to DVR what I watch. I started with VHS tape many years ago and haven’t watched much live tv in years. I like the fact that I can cut 20 minutes out of an hour show by skipping commercials. I do miss the occasional Clydesdale commercials but I manage. With the Dish, there were technological advances in the recording systems and we moved right along with them.

What I needed was an over the air DVR that didn’t have fees. There was no such animal……until recently! TIVO makes an over the air DVR with no fees! The TV I purchased has no tuner so it was necessary to have something with a tuner to receive the broadcasts. This was the best choice and I am very happy with it.

What surprised me is how many over the air (OTA) channels there are! I can not watch just as many things with OTA as I did with satellite :).

I tried a “Tivo mini” that would allow me to watch stuff from the Tivo in the family room in my bedroom. But, the gizmos required to make it work wirelessly cost more than the unit and i sent it back.

I have discontinued Netflix. They raised their prices – not much but it made me take a look at how often I use it. Not much. If there’s something I really want to watch I can reserve it at the Library.

I have Amazon Prime which I use 99% for free shipping but there is a show on it that I really like called Bosch – made by Amazon. I found their “app” to be deceiving and didn’t trust watching because I was afraid I’d click on something that wasn’t free with Prime membership. Another advantage with the Tivo – only Amazon Prime shows are listed. It’s not a computer so no money is available for other rentals.

I also subscribed to Feeln – advertised as Hallmark. Well, it does not show Hallmark Hall of Fame movies until they are extremely old and the Hallmark channel releases them to Feeln. But, at $1.99 a month (a special offer) I can live with my decision. I did find a series called Sue Thomas F.B.Eye (based on a true story) that made the subscription worth it.

So, I’ve officially cut the cord. Free as a bird.

I am happy to say that my subscriptions now cost only $1.99 a month. That’s a huge savings and the Tivo will pay for itself quickly without the satellite.

A Risk

At the risk of sharing a piece of my mind I cannot afford to lose – I will keep going here.

To recap – how can a Christian justify voting for Trump?

How could I possibly have any witness about Jesus if I promoted a Donald Trump? How could I say I have moral convictions but think that someone without any would be a good leader of a country I love?

One of the arguments I hear is that God can use flawed and even evil men to bring about his purpose. Of course He can. He’s God. But does that mean we should promote that man? And why is it that republicans always use that statement when referring to one of their own? What about Hillary? She’s just as evil – why can’t God use her? But I can’t promote her as a candidate any more than I can Trump.

It’s as troubling to watch people flock to Trump as if he’s a messiah as it was to watch people flock to Obama as if he was one as well. What both of these men have in common is that it appears they truly believe they are some sort of messiah.

Trump has claimed he is a Christian – although it has to be apparent to every Bible-believing, God loving Christian out there that he is not. That tree bears no good fruit. Perhaps if he hadn’t claimed to be one we could just judge him on his stance on the issues. For those who aren’t Christians – they can. Vote the issues. If you trust him – vote for him. But as a Christian – I cannot promote a man who claims to be a follower of Jesus but opposes Him in every aspect of his life.

For those Christians who embrace Trump – they can never judge another’s behavior because they set that aside for Trump. So, when their son wants to move in with his girlfriend – how can they say it’s wrong when they promoted Trump? If someone bullies their child – how can they be shocked and upset when they promoted a bully to be the commander in chief.

Others say – there’s no perfect candidate. Well, duh. But we can look at a person’s past decisions and life. We can look at how he behaves and comports themselves now. As Dr. Phil says – “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”. In this case – the past behavior is the same as the present and what the future will be. The only thing that’s changed recently about Trump is that now there’s an “R” after his name.

There are more examples – but I’ve used enough words. I will not vote for Trump. I cannot under any circumstances, as a Christian, promote nor vote for this man. But, as I’ve said, I cannot vote for Hillary either. I am grateful to live in a state where I can write in a candidate. Will it be a wasted vote? Perhaps by worldly standards. But by God’s standard I don’t think so.

You see, my hope isn’t in a Trump, a Clinton, a Cruz, a Bush, an Obama – it’s in God. He’s my final authority of right and wrong. He’s holds not only my hope but my eternal life. And because of that – I answer only to Him. So, whomever He decides to bring about His purpose – I’m okay with that. I will try to do a better job of what I should’ve done a lot more of with President Obama – and that is to pray for the person who has that wonderful job of President of the United States. It’s a big job title that deserves the best person we can elect to that position.

But lately God seems to be giving us what we deserve – not what we need.